I have a confession….. I’m an addict…. an approval addict. To be honest I think my addiction began at a very young age. I remember hating getting things wrong or being told off by the teacher. I always wanted to be the ‘good girl’, and couldn’t handle making a mistake.
Over the years my addiction has come out in different forms but I have been learning about myself and trying to break free from this addiction but I confess it’s a long hard road!
I have always struggled with comparing myself. When I was younger this took the form of comparing my sporting ability, grades and looks (why did I have to make friends with all the pretty girls?!).
As I grew older new comparisons creeped in. As a minister I found myself comparing the size of my church to others, or the number of different outreaches and ministries my church has in comparison to others.
Since becoming a mother my new struggle is comparing myself to other mothers: ‘why can’t I be as patient as that mum?’, ‘look at how energetic and funny that mum is, I wish I had more energy!’ Or even worse comparing F to other children. ‘Look how well that child is sitting and eating, why can’t F sit and eat nicely?!’
It is my need to compare myself to others that makes me realise I am suffering from approval addiction.
When I find myself making comparisons I try to remind myself that God made us all different, we all have different skills and different personalities and different temperaments and that’s how God made us! I try to remember God wants me to be me!
I have come to the conclusion (with the help of a John Ortberg book, ‘The Life you’ve always wanted’) that I need to resign from impression management – what do I mean by this? I need to stop trying to manage by my words and actions what people think of me…..
Let me give you an example….. a little while ago I was in a ‘semi-emotional state’ (happens every so often!) and cried at Britain’s Got Talent. I thought this was funny and sent my friend Rachel a text saying “I must be emotional at the moment because I have just found myself crying at Britain’s Got Talent!” But did I leave it there? …… No! ….. I had to add a little disclaimer making sure that I told her it just happened to be on I don’t normally watch it! Why did I do that? …….Because I didn’t want her to think I spend my time watching pointless tv, I wanted to keep up the impression that I am terribly busy and important!
I am beginning to realise that as John Ortberg says ‘the practice of secrecy is Jesus’ gift to approval addicts.’
I have come to see that there are great rewards of secrecy. It takes my focus off others or what other people might think of me and helps me focus on Jesus. It helps me to have the right motives, doing good things not to push myself up higher on that pedestal but doing it because I love Jesus and this is what he asks of his followers.
Am I there yet… I’m afraid not, but I am trying to develop the practice of secrecy. I don’t want to be like the Pharisees in John 12 who loved human praise more than praise from God.
I want to break free from my approval addiction and want to remind myself that God’s grace is sufficient for me. I am his and he is mine. No matter how many times I fall down he will pick me up and set me on the path again, because His mercies are new every morning.
I am enough because of Jesus and what he achieved on the cross and in rising again! My approval is in him alone!
