I have nicknamed my house the house of lost things because (you’ve guessed it) I keep losing things in it. I have lost a massive bunch of keys (which included my car keys, my house keys and keys to a few of my friends’ houses), a tv remote, a slipper, and some glasses to name a few. Now although these have been lost and not found, I have been able to replace them.
We at the moment are in a time of great loss, people are losing income, their jobs, their loved ones, houses, many of these things simply can’t be replaced and leave a huge void in our lives.
Even if we haven’t lost any of those things we have lost many of our freedoms. We have lost the ability to see our family and friends, we have lost the ability to go out when we like and to where we like. Much has been said about when we return to some form of ‘normality’ to not forget the lockdown lessons we have learnt; to slow down and take time to enjoy the small things, to appreciate the natural beauty around us, to not take for granted our family and friends, to not take the NHS and other key workers who have kept our country going for granted. And I truly hope we don’t rush back to how things were and forget all we have learnt.
But I also feel (although maybe this is just me) that we need to be better at recognising and processing our loss. Although I haven’t lost anyone to covid-19, seeing and hearing about other people’s heartbreaking losses has made me consider one of my biggest loses at the moment.
My Dad for over two years has been in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. At first he still recognised us to some degree and I remember once when I went to leave he asked ‘Do you need any money?’ looking for his wallet to give me some money (something he regularly used to do). But as time has gone on he has deteriorated and is now displaying very anti-social behaviour.
If I am honest I just haven’t wanted to process this, is it because I am unable to or because I scared what will happen if I do? …..
I have lost my Dad but he can’t be replaced like my keys or tv remote. If I’m honest I still don’t feel in a place to let this loss affect me I just want to jump on to the… ‘he knows Jesus and therefore has eternal life so I will see him again’ bit.
But in that I feel I am doing myself a disservice. Can tears be healing? Through accepting and processing my loss will I find something deeper? Will I be able to see more of God and his heart for me and my family?
I have a tendency to rush to the God who is in control rather than spending time with the God who suffers with me. And I think the church has a tendency to do that too!
Barbara Taylor in ‘Learning to walk in the Dark’ says ‘New life starts in the dark. Whether it is a seed in the ground ,a baby in the womb, or Jesus in the tomb, it starts with the dark.’
I don’t have the answers to why there is suffering in the world, why my Dad got the cruel disease he has and, in many ways, I don’t expect Jesus to answer that. In fact Jesus only answered 3 of the 183 questions that were asked of him!
But maybe if I am able to spend some time in the darkness, in my loss I might just find something new.
I appreciate this blog in many ways doesn’t say anything and is just a lot of questions. But maybe it might just encourage you that you don’t have to rush onto the ‘God is in control’ part, it is ‘ok to not be ok’! it is ok to feel loss, grief pain – Jesus will meet you in that, he is a God who suffers with us and in time he WILL bring new life.
